Chapter 3 - Bloodbuzz

    I woke in a panic. I wish people could feel how i felt. It was the day after my dad fell off the ladder. He was still in the hospital. They did some tests on him, but he wasnt responding. The following is what I remember:

    I was just getting home when i saw an ambulance out front. I didnt know what to think.  But in the absence of a fire truck, why else would an ambulance be parked in my tiny front lawn? Tim's parents were sitting in front of my house in obvious shock. They seemed to be waiting for someone and as I got closer, it was pretty obvious who they were waiting for. Tim's mother saw me approaching and told me to go inside. As i passed the ambulance and entered my house, i saw my dad strapped to the gurney. I stood there for a moment. He wasnt moving. Eyes closed. I walked into the living room and sat down. The knot in my stomach grew tighter. And for every passing word from Tim's mom, the knot got bigger. My blood began to buzz. I wanted to run, i wanted to vomit. I didnt know what to do, but i knew i wanted to do something. My head was in my hands and tears were dripping down my wrists. I couldnt help but feel guilty. Not because i did this or i could have prevented this, but to see my dad so helpless, strapped to a board. What if he doesnt walk again? All the time i could have spent with him. Immediately gone and never to be seen again. How does one cope with this? I tried grasping this question multiple times throughout the rest of the night, throughout 95 instances in my head on separate occasions , but i couldnt put a finger on how i truly felt. Maybe this is one of life's lessons when we learn about a new side of ourself. Maybe this is a time that i will never forget which will leave an indellible mark on my brain, soul. Maybe i will feel this moment for one second and then let it die. Ill feel the inspiration and act on that and act like ill never treat anyone else bad again. Put some use to a lesson. But we all know how that plays out. We are creatures of benign activity and shitty thoughts. I meant every word though. I will keep trying to mean those words, but all i know is that I will lead to dissapointment. Ill feel like I am in trouble. Like something i could have prevented, but was thrusted into my life no matter what. Now the burden perches atop my shoulders. Any chance to get out of this town evaporated. I was going to have to take care of my dad for the rest of my life. Get him the same groceries, from the same store, on the same days of every week. How am I supposed to do that? What do I have to say to the man who brings out the worst in me?